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  “I don’t want mercy. I want respect as a man who would give his life if it meant my son came home to his mother.” My throat bobs with thick emotion. Don’t think I’ll swallow it until Luca is in her arms.

  If I hadn’t known Lorenzo most of my life, know right down to my bones he isn’t going to have Matteo shoot me, I’d have already shit my pants or begged for mercy over having a gun pressed into the side of my head. Most men would.

  I’m not most men.

  I’m a pissed off; patience flew out the door the minute I stepped out of the restaurant man who wants to kill the monster who dared kidnap our son.

  Ours. It still has my head spinning.

  I knew Joseph was a piece of shit, guess I didn’t understand how much until I found out I have a son.

  That thought pisses me off all the more. Only who I’m angry at beside Joseph, I haven’t a clue. It has me torn. Frustrated and until I get a grip, I’ll never know.

  Silence fills the room as Matteo presses the muzzle of his pistol into my temple a little further. Blood, fear, and annoyance rush through my ears enough to deafen me. This son of a bitch keeps it up, and he better sleep with one eye open. Sienna isn’t the only one who can elbow someone in the throat. Mine would crush several parts before he hit the floor.

  “We are wasting time finding my son by sitting here. Have him pull the goddamn trigger and get it over with or get the hell away from me. Know this, you shoot me in front of Sienna, and you’ll pay the price far worse than the guilt running through my veins. I don’t expect to go unpunished, but Sienna and my son, they’ve been through enough.” I fight the quiver in my jaw when I think about what Sienna has been through, hell and back daily, I’m sure.

  It makes me realize how much of an uncompassionate prick I was in her office. I owe her an apology.

  I don’t voice how Matteo has seconds to drop his weapon, or he’ll be the one dropping. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is Sienna doesn’t need to see any more violence.

  I learned long before Gabe and Lorenzo taught me how to defend myself after one sick and twisted asshole fuck buddy of my dead Mother’s tried to rape me—bastard eyeballing me like a piece of candy at my dad’s funeral. My brother Logan saw it. He tensed next to me. It’s what made him become the protector he is. It’s what made us protect Seth like there’d be no tomorrow.

  I was a kid when the prick tried sneaking into my room. I heard him from a mile away. Smelled his sickness every time he came to pick our mother up. I busted him in the balls with a kick so hard it knocked him to the ground. It wasn’t until that night I understood something my dad tried to teach me—the meaning of loyalty.

  Regret and loyalty define a man my father told me the only time he caught me sneaking around. I snuck out of our house and climbed in the back of my dad’s car. This curious kid who wanted to know why most weekend nights my mom and dad would take off after my brothers and I went to bed.

  What I saw when I slipped into the building through a window in the basement wasn’t what I expected.

  I saw my father kissing another woman, his hands all over her ass, and like an angry kid, I ran straight at him, nailing him in the gut with my fist.

  He was pissed.

  Dad grabbed me by the back of my neck, dragged me into a room, and after spanking my ass, he sat me down and said, amongst other things, this one in particular I remember, “what goes on in our family stays behind the walls of our house. We don’t ever talk about it to anyone else. That means you don’t tell your brothers about this. Consider this your first lesson in loyalty. There will come a day when you’ll understand what goes on in this club as well as what I mean about loyalty, Lane. Know though, no matter what, your mother and I love you and your brothers. We will always take care of you.” Little did he know my mother tapped out on taking care of us.

  I never told my brothers that was the first time I entered Behind Closed Doors. I never will.

  Even though I loved my parents at the time, I hated them for being different. I hated that I grew up like them, and to this day, the only other time I’ve kept a secret from my brothers was about Sienna, but I’ve remained loyal to them. Faithful to the promise to Lexi. Loyal to Gabe as well as trustful to Lorenzo.

  So, yeah, fuck him and his loyalty bullshit.

  “Enough. Drop your gun and get out of here, Matteo. You’ll keep your mouth shut about every word you heard in here or I’ll carve out your spine and watch you wiggle like a worm,” Gabe says with authority he holds over Matteo etching from his tone. I should have known he’d only take so much before he stepped in. Wished he wouldn’t, yet the part of me that wants to get Sienna out of here is glad he did.

  She and I need to get square with one another. I need to know for sure if she’s stable or putting on an act.

  Lorenzo nods, and I swear to God the room turns from chilled to stifling the minute he lowers his gun and walks away.

  “Don’t speak to our most trusted man like that, Gabriel,” Lorenzo growls with unapologetic anger.

  “Don’t start with me, Lorenzo, you are my brother, my blood. I’ve stood here and listened to you long enough. These three men are family, they are my sons, whether my blood runs through their veins or not. I took them in when their parents died, and so did you. Lane might have gone against your wishes. In doing so, it brought us Luca. You want to make my son pay by throwing around power you don’t need when you’re with family; then you’ll be a lonely man. Meaning, you’ll lose the five people in this room who love you even with you being an over-stressed son of a bitch. I won’t allow what Joseph has done to rip my family apart.”

  Lorenzo’s eyes dart around the room until they land on mine. This time when I look deep, I catch his exhaustion along with that desperation I saw. He’s hiding something.

  Something that has his face twisted in in a tortured expression.

  Whatever is going on, I best be included, or someone will catch my unrestrained rage.

  “This puts me in between a rock and a hard place. You know this, all of you know this.”

  I want to ask him ‘this is my problem because?’ I don’t. It’s not my problem. I get this makes me look like Lorenzo is favoring me to his people even if they haven’t a clue Lorenzo didn’t know about Sienna and me. I’m the one who will look like a lowlife father who didn’t give a shit. Not that I care what his people think. I don’t run in their circle to give a fuck.

  We’re talking about his daughter, his grandson, and the power of a family bond. His soldiers can screw right off.

  Instead of answering, I scratch at the scruff on my jaw, fingers twitching to get Sienna some air. I start to stand when Gabe places a hand on my shoulder.

  “Then I suggest you climb out from under the rock. You’ve sat in that very chair and told me how guilty you feel for putting the organization before anything else. In certain circumstances, you do, you should, and we understand. You won’t on this. Sienna is a grown woman going through utter hell because of Joseph, not because of Lane. Take a look at what you’ve done.”

  I follow Lorenzo’s gaze as he turns toward Sienna. His eyes close the second he does. Mine are wide open as I stare. Her skin is pasty, she’s sweating, no longer shaking, but her eyes are void as if she’s zoned herself out.

  Shit.

  “La Mia Vita, look at me.” My chest stings like a bitch when she won’t. I don’t know if I should get up and touch her, soothe her, and tell her she doesn’t have to worry about a damn thing when it comes to anyone hurting her again or sit here and wonder if she’s going to flip the hell out.

  Finally, after what feels like years, she looks over at me as if she senses my presence for the first time in the few hours I’ve been here. Her eyes searching mine and hold for a few moments before she slinks down to the floor and passes out.

  Chapter Five

  Sienna

  I’m dreaming again. This dream is more of a night terror because it feels as if I might die from the ache in my bra
in. It feels like someone is poking me with tiny needles. So many pricks to remind me of who I am. A woman who has lost so much, yet trying to get by.

  To continue living in a survival mode of a different kind.

  I try gasping in a breath, but there is no air, and I choke on my dry tongue. The lack of oxygen surrounds my mind, and in a panic, I suck in another breath. It burns my lungs with a ferocity that terrorizes me.

  “I am your worst nightmare, Sienna, because I know it isn’t your pain you fear. You fear what I can do to Luca more than anything. You were once a strong woman. Now, because you are weak, pathetic, and pitiful, you fear I’ll snatch Luca right before your very eyes, and you’ll never know what kind of man I raise him to be. You’re right about that. I will train him to kill anyone he deems a threat. He might not have my blood, but he’s mine. You are too. Fear it, sweetheart. If you ever try to leave me, you better wear the smell of it daily.”

  The never-ending tears blur my vision. “He will hate you.” Tonight, for some reason unknown to me, I stand up for myself.

  “Nah, baby. I won’t treat him the way I do you.”

  Blood blends in with the tears as a fist slams into my nose.

  “I didn’t tell you to speak. Perhaps I should put a gun in Luca’s hand and force him to kill you or die himself. Maybe I should kill Lane? Your father, or should I kill you myself? The list is endless for me. So many people my whore of a wife cares about. Except you never cared for me. Not like you do that bastard Lane. Burning you at the stake is what you need. A witch who trances then cast her wicked fucking spell. I loathe you.”

  Lane isn’t a bastard. My husband is.

  I try waking up, but I can’t. I still feel the presence of Joseph’s cold hands around my throat the night I left, his voice as he said those evil things, and so much more as he slammed me into the wall. His fingers were digging deeper around my throat. The sharp edges of his fingernails threatening to break through my skin, ready to pierce.

  I hear my heavy breathing screaming for Luca if only to hold him again. To make promises this time that I’ll be able to keep, but all I see is my shaky hands as I fumble with my car keys trying to get them in the ignition.

  “Mom, are you okay?” Luca asks, his voice trembling, yet comforting knowing we were getting the hell away from Joseph once and for all.

  I wanted to scream that I was more than okay, that I was going to make my son understand instead of scared out of his mind for what he saw. I just had to stop shaking. I had to pull myself together for my son.

  Always for him.

  “I will be, buckle up, sweetheart.” Panic rides up my legs when, of course, I have to turn around to make sure Joseph isn’t following us with a gun in his hand, aiming it at the back of mine or Luca’s head. I pull in a few calming breaths and start the car when I see he’s not.

  God, I’m doing this. I’m conquering my greatest fear that’s been staring me in the face for a decade. I’m getting my son out of here before he’s turned into a monster with no compassion. And, Lane. I can’t let Joseph get to him. I can’t ever tell Lane Luca is his.

  But I can. As soon as we get to safety, I can let everything out. I won’t have to live this way anymore. I won’t have to suffer to save my flesh and blood.

  “Okay, but listen, Mom. The driveway was super icy when I was outside earlier. You have plenty of time to get us out of here before Dad gets out of the shower. Go slow, or we’ll crash. Here, put this in your nose. It’s bleeding bad.”

  Luca’s angry and scared trembling voice forces my attention to the blood dripping down my face as I take the wad of tissue from his outstretched hand and stuff it into my nose. I’d forgotten I was bleeding. I’m used to it after all. But this was the first time I’d talked back in years as well as the only time Joseph had taken his fists to my face.

  “Thank you.” My words come out on an unstable breath. I’m such a terrible mother if ever there was one. I will beg forever for Luca to forgive me.

  “God, I hate Dad. How could you let him do that to you? I don’t understand how he could hit you like that? For how long, Mom? How long have you been hiding that from me? I hope Grandpa severs that prick’s hands off his body. I hope he hurts him badly. I don’t care that you’ve told me hurting others isn’t right. He deserves whatever Grandpa does to him. He should sic Uncle Gabe on him.”

  My lips quiver as I watch concern form on Luca’s face, tears are in his eyes as those horrific scenes he witnessed minutes ago must be playing in slow motion behind them.

  I’d never seen Joseph’s eyes so manic and murderous before. They were unblinking slits spinning with death as he screamed for me to die.

  It’s not funny that my nine-year-old knows what my father and uncle do. He chooses not to be a part of it. I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I’d love him the same if he decides in the future he does. It’s his choice as much as there’s no changing who we are.

  He’s sitting only a foot away, and it feels like an entire world is separating us. I try to push away the fact I chose the wrong path in my life before I speak. That mine and Luca’s lives would be different if I’d been honest and brave and not angry and full of revenge. It’s hard to do when I don’t even know where to start, let alone what to say.

  “Hey, I’m okay. We’re going to be okay. I love you so much, tell me you know that.” I yank my boy into my body, swallowing him in a hug as I stroke the silky strands of his hair.

  I never wanted my son to see me like this. Joseph has always been good about hitting me where no one would notice the marks he left. Luca saw the vicious act tonight. He jumped on top of Joseph and pulled a chunk of his hair out as he beat and scratched and clawed him in the face.

  When Joseph threw Luca to the ground and kicked him in the stomach, I knew then I had to leave. Laying a hand on me is one thing, on Luca, that’s another. He does not get to harm my kid.

  I don’t know what got into Joseph tonight. In a way, I’m glad Luca saw, it’s what I needed to rise above my fear. But Luca loves Joseph, and this has got to be hurting my confused boy awfully.

  My heart is in my throat, making it hard to breathe. That’s what Luca is. He’s my heart. The only good thing I’ve ever done. The greatest joy.

  It’s a stab to my chest that I’m the cause of Luca hurting.

  Please let me catch my breath. Please let me figure out a way, so Luca doesn’t suffer for my mistakes.

  Sighing, I do my best to remember what’s important. We’re both going to be okay. It’ll take time for Luca to heal and understand, but he’ll forever be safe, and no matter what happens from here on out, that’s the most important thing.

  His safety. His health. His happiness. All the things a parent wants. All the things I will pull my head out of my depressed state and make sure he has.

  “I know you do, Mom. I love you too. He hurt you. My dad hurt you, and I hate him. Get us to Victoria’s house, please.” His body shudders in my grasp, and I hold him tighter, kissing the top of his head. So thankful to hear he loves me.

  “You remember how much you love me next time I tell you to go to bed and shut down your video games.” I get a tight smile, which for now is good enough.

  Badly I want to tell him that Joseph isn’t his dad, and that things might not have worked out between the man who helped create Luca and me, but he’s a good man, and he’d help raise Luca to be one too.

  Soon.

  Soon I will right all my heartbreaking wrongs.

  It won’t be long now when the disappointment and hate clear from everyone’s mind that Lane and Luca will be father and son. That is, if and when I can strike up the nerve to tell them both.

  Lane may hate me, but he’ll never turn his back on Luca, never make him into a man he doesn’t want to be. He’ll never stop loving our son, no matter how he feels about me. And, Luca will come to forgive me. He has to, or I will surely die.

  I clear my throat, pulling back to look Luca in the eyes and try pretendi
ng that seeing him hurt, knowing I was too weak to leave, doesn’t slice up the middle of my heart.

  “He hurt you too. I’ll never forgive myself for it, Luca. Never. I’ll tell you everything once we get to Victoria’s. I promise.”

  Putting the SUV into four-wheel drive, I head toward the tree-lined narrowed driveway that leads to the steep decline.

  “We’re going to be fine. I’ll find a job. You and I will start over, and once we’re settled, we’ll get your things from the house in New York. It’s going to be great, you’ll see,” I deflect, hoping to lift, if even only a little, of his fright.

  “I don’t give a crap about my things at home. Starting over means starting over. Let that asshole keep it all.”

  “Luca, I’ll let that one slide because it’s true. Don’t make swearing a habit, buddy.” At least not in front of me.

  Hesitating, along with despising my past actions all the more, and because I don’t trust Joseph whatsoever, I decide to add a bit more confusion onto my son’s heaping plate.

  “Hold on to the grip bar, and if anything happens before we get to safety, you run, Luca. You get somewhere safe and call your grandfather, Uncle Gabe, Victoria. You tell him I said to take you to Lane Mitchell. Do you hear me? Lane. Don’t forget that name, ever, Luca.” A few years ago, I drilled four phone numbers into Luca’s head. Telling him they were emergency numbers that he can never forget: my father, my uncle, Victoria’s, and mine.

  “You remember everyone’s number, right?”

  Sheer panic washes over me as the vehicle starts to accelerate, and the brake pedal seems to have more play than usual.

  “Yes. Nothing’s going to happen to us except ramming into a tree if you don’t slow down.”

  I try to, except I can’t as I pump the brakes with all my might at the same time I try to control the steering wheel as the car accelerates and veers from one side to the other.

  Panic, it’s alive inside of me, breathing down my neck with the stench of Joseph.